At A Loss and Needing Some Sleep

  I have been tossing and turning in my bed for the last hour and a half now...praying, hoping, begging for sleep to come, but to no avail.
 
  I would love to say that I have no idea why sleep is evading me, but unfortunately I cannot...I do know why and I figured that maybe if I write it down and get it out of my head I can sleep.
 
  I am stuck on it and no matter what I do I just can't get over it. I wish I had an excuse...like...medication I am on or some short circuit in my head...what I wouldn't give to be able to blame it on something like that! However, it isn't for any of those reasons...it is simply because it is who it is that has caused it.
 
  What do you do when someone you looked up too, someone you were always close to uses words and LIES to rip out your heart and shatter your world? 
 
  HOW DO YOU GET OVER THAT? 

  I have tried...believe me when I say that I HAVE tried...but no matter what I do I just can't put the lies out of my mind. I find myself dwelling and crying over them. How could this person believe such horrible things...how could this person believe I would do the horrible and totally awful things they believe in their mind that I have done? 

  HOW DO I JUST LET IT GO AND MOVE ON?

  And how am I supposed to want to have anything to do with this person after what I have discovered? How do I look this person in the eyes after this...how do I say "I love you" and MEAN it? How do I become the bigger person and rise above it? Is it enough that I know the truth and that in my heart, mind, body, and soul I know that I can stand before the one and only person who is to judge me and say without hesitation that they ARE lies? That I would never EVER do the things this person says I have done?

  IS THAT TRULY ENOUGH?

  I am just so lost right now. I am sad and hurt and angry and just plain and simply dumbfounded right now! The worst part is that I am NOT supposed to know that this person feels and believes these lies...I was NOT supposed to find out, but I did. And now I am supposed to carry on as if I don't know and I just honestly do not think I have it in me to do so. Does that make me this horrible monster that I was made out to be?

  DOES IT?

  Where is my magic wand when I need it? Why can't there be such a thing as a magic wand so that I can just erase it all from my mind? What I wouldn't give if fairy tales could come true...if EVERYTHING really could end up "Happily Ever After"!!

  Maybe I can sleep now...maybe I can snuggle up next to my sweet little angel, Shawntae, and feel the love she has for me emminate from her. Maybe I can let that love she has for me seep into my heart, body, mind, and soul and FINALLY get some sleep.

  MAYBE...

                      Shawntae

 

Is There Something Wrong With Me?!?!

  **Just a word of warning right from the start for anyone reading this (IF anyone truly does read this blog of mine) so you can decide if you would rather not continue reading...this one is going to be a rambler, maybe even a little off the wall.**

  I am scared!! I am too comfortable with the way my life has been for a long time now and I am scared to have it change. I am perfectly happy living in my mom's home in my own room that is 100% mine, I am perfectly happy sleeping in the bed that I got to pick out that feels like a soft wonderful enveloping cloud everytime I lay down on it to sleep. I am happy sitting with my mom watching TV or sitting in the hot tub or wandering around outside. I am happy...I am content and I feel safe. BUT, I know that if I want my happily ever after with the man that I love more than I ever thought was possible, I am going to have to give it all up and make a life somewhere new, somewhere not in the house that my daddy built and that completely SCARES me! Don't get me wrong, I want to be a wife and make a house a home with my husband and make that home warm and comforting and inviting, but the thought of leaving all that I am comfortable and happy with behind forever (with the exception of visits) makes me so scared I begin to distance myself.  I can't give you just one reason...there are several.  For instance, I do not want to abandon my mom and leave her here in this big house all alone, I don't want to leave my room and all the memories I have in it behind, I don't want to move out of the home that my dad built for us, I don't want to take all of my things away because it will make my mom sad, I don't want to uproot my little princess (my little miniature doberman) and move her far away from her friends (my little sis's dog and the big ole lazy family dog)...the list goes on and on and on. However, I do not want to end my fairy tale with my perfect man, I do not want to break it off with him just to stay here...I am torn two ways and I just feel so dumb that I am so scared...is this normal?

  I am sad!!  I got laid off from a job where I always came home upset and sad and angry. A job where I had to monitor my every move, action, word, breath just to make sure that nothing could be read into it or taken the wrong way. A job where everyday a new HORRIBLE rumor starring me would pop up...without fail, even if I had been gone on vacation for a week. A job where I was the minority and it was thrown in my face and held against me every chance it could be. A job that I no longer loved going to.   I was laid off from this gosh awful job...and it makes me SAD! Why?! Why am I sad that I no longer have this job? I should be totally grateful and happy that I no longer have all the stress it brought into my life but I am not...I am sad.  The only thing I can think of as to why is because I did learn something new and exciting at this job (how to weld...and I am great at it) and I got to go to places I never thought I would and see things I never thought I would ever see...I got to travel all over the country and make totally awesome memories. I should be happy but I am not...why?

  There are so many other things that I could ramble on and on about but those are the two main things that are consuming me right now. I just needed to get them off my chest...I needed to talk about them. Sorry my posts aren't profound or have some deep meaning or lesson...sorry if they bore any of you. But thank you none the less for taking the time to read them. Thank you  for letting me ramble...Thank you for any input or insight you might have for me...THANK YOU!

31? Old? OH YEAH!!!

  This post will be short and sweet but none the less it is going to be a post. I just turned 31 and I have to be honest...I feel old! I wish that that was not the case because in reality 31 is really not all that old, but I FEEL old. I thought that by the time I was this age I would be married and have a kid or two, but neither of those have happened yet. Maybe someday...maybe not, who  knows.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't look old and I have no grey hair (yet) and so I have no idea what my problem is.  Hopefully I will get over this feeling that seems to be bringing me down...hopefully!!!
  On a different note, I did have a great birthday. I got great presents from my mom and siblings and I received a dozen of the longest Long-Stem roses I have ever seen in my life. I am 5'3" and when I stood next to them they hit me well above my belly button...THEY ARE TALL!!!  Anyway, I love everything I got and even though I didn't ask for anything I got tons of cool stuff. Thanks for all the b-day wishes and phone calls!!

Better late than NEVER!!!

  I made a promise to my best friend that I would make a new post on Friday but due to stupid people in my life I was occupied with other things.  You see, I just don't understand what the fascination is with spreading rumors about someone. I mean, I go to work, I keep my nose out of everyone else's business, I work hard, and I go home.  I do NOT go down on the floor and ask questions to get some "dirt" on someone so that I can proceed to run my mouth, embellish, or make stuff up about people...I have so many other things...better things to do with my time. So, if I keep my nose out of the lives of others, why on earth does everyone feel like they have to make my life their business or make up stories and spread rumors about me? What did I do to them? Why can't everyone just let me come to work, do my job, and not worry about my personal life or who I am seeing or how much money I have or...well you get the picture?!? And then when these individuals get caught or confronted they push it off on someone else...which gets my goat anyway, but what upset me the most is that these people tried to blame a member of my family for it all and the fact of the matter is, my family has my back at all times and they in no way will be blamed. I love my family and I will believe them over ANYONE and EVERYONE else.  But anyway, back to all the crap on Friday...it was completely out of the blue and it had me so upset and irritated that I didn't post and for that...J, I am truly sorry, but I am posting now so better late than never, right?!
  On a closing note, I simply ask anyone who reads this to please think twice before you "pass" a story or rumor on to other people about a person. The simple fact is that whether you mean to or not you are hurting them and just think how you have felt when a rumor about you has gotten back to you and it was not true and it was very very hurtful...take it from someone who seems to keep being the topic of rumors even though I don't talk to or assosciate with ANY of the guys I work with...it is not fun and it does NOT feel good at all.

It is ALL good!!!

  So once again it has been a while since my last post and I can honestly say that alot of great things have happened since. Both of my brothers and their families came to our house for xmas...it was a full house but it was an AWESOME full house!! One of my brothers (my older brother) lives in Iowa and works for John Deere...he has an awesome job and an awesome family and they drove all the way from Des Moines to stay with us. My other brother (my little brother) lives in Canada with his wife and they flew here for xmas and they had awesome news and I am so very excited for them!!  We spent xmas morning together and we had family pictures taken so overall the holiday was going great. BUT then it happened...one little thing that made the holidays so very amazing and unforgettable for me. What is that one little thing you might ask...well let me tell you. My boyfriend came to spend xmas eve with me which was a surprise in and of itself but that is not the little thing. Anyway, he was here to do the traditional "Bingo for Presents" that we do every xmas eve and then he got to open his presents from my family and me. He had to leave that night due to the fact that he had to work the next day which made me sad. he asked me to walk him out to the truck so I did...not knowing what was about to come. We got in the truck and sat there talking for a little bit when all of the sudden he pulled out a small blue velvet box and handed it to me saying "I want you to have something that you can wear all the time and look at and know that I love you...(I opened the box...and there is was)...I want you to wear this ring, this promise ring, and know that I love you with all of my heart." I started crying...it is beautiful and it is real gold and real diamonds and even though I am a silver and white gold fan, I wear it all the time with pride. Now I know to some of you that may not be such a huge deal...a promise ring...but to me it is. It is the first ring I have ever been given that is the step before an engagement ring so I am so happy and so in love.
  Life is going great for me...a big change from a couple months ago when I just wanted to disappear from my life. I love my family, I love my man, I love my ring...I LIKE my job and it is going good so as for right now, there are no complaints from me. I hope that you all had a great holiday season...I hope it was as great as mine...I don't think mine could have gotten any better (okay, okay, and ENGAGEMENT ring would have made it all perfect but...). I loved that I got to spend time with all of my brothers and sisters (in-laws included), nieces and nephews, my grandma, my mom, and my boyfriend. I didn't want it to end, but it had to and I am not ashamed to admit that I cried...it was hard for me to watch my brothers and their families drive away, but we will see eachother again soon (I hope) and I will ALWAYS have all the memories. Thank you to my family, thank you to my man. Happy happy happy am I!!!