Wednesday, August 11, 2010

At A Loss and Needing Some Sleep

  I have been tossing and turning in my bed for the last hour and a half now...praying, hoping, begging for sleep to come, but to no avail.
  I would love to say that I have no idea why sleep is evading me, but unfortunately I cannot...I do know why and I figured that maybe if I write it down and get it out of my head I can sleep.
  I am stuck on it and no matter what I do I just can't get over it. I wish I had an I am on or some short circuit in my head...what I wouldn't give to be able to blame it on something like that! However, it isn't for any of those is simply because it is who it is that has caused it.
  What do you do when someone you looked up too, someone you were always close to uses words and LIES to rip out your heart and shatter your world? 

  I have tried...believe me when I say that I HAVE tried...but no matter what I do I just can't put the lies out of my mind. I find myself dwelling and crying over them. How could this person believe such horrible could this person believe I would do the horrible and totally awful things they believe in their mind that I have done? 


  And how am I supposed to want to have anything to do with this person after what I have discovered? How do I look this person in the eyes after do I say "I love you" and MEAN it? How do I become the bigger person and rise above it? Is it enough that I know the truth and that in my heart, mind, body, and soul I know that I can stand before the one and only person who is to judge me and say without hesitation that they ARE lies? That I would never EVER do the things this person says I have done?


  I am just so lost right now. I am sad and hurt and angry and just plain and simply dumbfounded right now! The worst part is that I am NOT supposed to know that this person feels and believes these lies...I was NOT supposed to find out, but I did. And now I am supposed to carry on as if I don't know and I just honestly do not think I have it in me to do so. Does that make me this horrible monster that I was made out to be?


  Where is my magic wand when I need it? Why can't there be such a thing as a magic wand so that I can just erase it all from my mind? What I wouldn't give if fairy tales could come true...if EVERYTHING really could end up "Happily Ever After"!!

  Maybe I can sleep now...maybe I can snuggle up next to my sweet little angel, Shawntae, and feel the love she has for me emminate from her. Maybe I can let that love she has for me seep into my heart, body, mind, and soul and FINALLY get some sleep.




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