Thursday, November 19, 2009

One event...TWO Conflicting Feelings

  Who ever thought that one simple event could be both a great thing and a bad thing at the very same time?! Today I had the joy of experiencing such an event. I got to work this morning just to be told by the "real piece of work" that I have been working with (*said with thick thick sarcasm) that I am to go talk to our supervisor. I asked him why and he says to me that he has no idea why just that he got yelled at for an hour yesterday about me and my work performance and that I am being taken off of the job and put on another. So, with my heart on the floor and my guts all in knots I head over to talk to the man in charge and I am a WRECK! Well, to make a long story short, I find out that YES I am being taken off of the job I have been on all year and am being put on a new job. However, I also found out that the reason for this is because that real gem of a jerk that I was working with had been over everyday for the last 2 weeks complaining about me and how I don't do what I am told and blah, blah, BLAH! Now I am getting really upset and angry and because I am just a big baby, I start to cry. It is explained to me that I am not in any trouble what so ever and that the things he complained about went in one ear and out the other because of who it was saying them. I was relieved to hear that our boss is still very pleased with what I do and that he just felt it would be best for me (and for his ears) if I just got off that job and go onto another. So, the great thing about this whole situation is that I am no longer working with the guy that has it out for me...YEA!!! The bad thing is that I am now feeling like I didn't follow through with this job to the end and finish it like I wanted to. Why is it that I can't just be totally relieved with the fact that I no longer have to worry about my every action being taken wrong and I no longer have to worry about being put down and told everyday just how horrible the work I do is? I am relieved, but there is also that part of me that just feels like I let myself down by not seeing this job through to the end. Maybe I am too hard on myself...maybe I am a let down...a failure...maybe I am not! I just wish that I could "get happy" about this.
  On another note, what do you do when you no longer look forward to going to work everyday? When you struggle just to make yourself get up and go to work when all you really want to do is call in sick? What do you do when your self esteem and confidence have been completely shattered by your job and no matter how much you do or how good you do are beat down and told you just aren't good enough? Do I tough it out and just deal with the put downs and the self esteem and confidence beatings? Or do I face my fear of change and get a different job where I am not put down and can start to rebuild what little confidence I once had? I am at a total loss because I DO love what I do (the welding and fabricating) but at the same time I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night and feeling like me and my best is not and never will be good enough for anyone at that company.  I hate feeling like I feel...I hate feeling like a complete let down. Why can't I find the answers myself...where is the confidence I need to make these decisions? Any advice would be welcome...any suggestions would be appreciated. I am lost and trying to find my way, hopefully someday soon I will be found.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Break Me Down...

"...And I should've been down when you made me insecure...
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye
...'cause I'm so much more than all your lies" ("Breakdown"; Seether)

  It seems that no matter what you do in life there will always be those people who break you down and make you doubt yourself...seems I am destined to work with someone like that for the next long while...LUCKY me, I guess.  I suppose that this just means that now I have a great opportunity to work on patience, biting my tongue, smiling no matter what, and taking it all with a grain of salt.  Lets just hope that I excel instead of fail.
  On another note...I find myself wondering why I am even doing this whole blog thing. I mean it is nice to have a place to vent and say what is on my mind, but I don't think anyone beyond my sis and my best friend even read what I write...let alone visit. Which begs the it really that important to me to have other people read what I write? Who knows, I guess that it would just be nice to hear other peoples opinions on something I wrote, or to receive advice on how to handle a particular situation. I suppose that I will just keep throwing it out there that I have this blog and see what happens...who knows, I might just get what I want (whatever that may be)!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Never Before

  There has never been anyone outside my family that has made me feel so special and so important and loved as my boyfriend did tonight.  You see, he wanted me to go see him last night and due to circumstances that are beyond my control I was unable to. I was upset about it and so was he because we knew that it would be another week before we would have the chance to see eachother again. I have been bummed out all day because I just really needed to see him and I knew I was not going to. Well, we had been texting all day about what we were doing and how much we missed eachother and I was sad and lonely. While I was sitting in my room, I heard my little sister tell someone very loudly to "Go Away" and so I stepped out to see what was going on and guess who it happened to be?! You got it, it was my man...he had tricked me into thinking he was still far away and the whole time he was on his way to surprise me. I feel so loved and special and I am waiting to wake up at any moment to find that it was all just a dream!!  I love that he loves me that much that he would want to surprise me like he did. I realize that you are all probably sick of hearing about him, but I have never been in love like this before and I have to share it with someone...anyone or I will burst!!
  On a different note, another week of work is ahead of me and I have mixed feelings about it. Again I love what I do but sometimes we have to work with people we do not particularly like or get along with. I am in that situation right now...the guy they have put over me as my new job lead is someone that I have a really hard time dealing with.  He continually talks down to me and makes me feel like I am dumb in his eyes and although part of me says that it is just his personality and he does it to everyone, the other rather larger part of me says that he does it on purpose to intimidate and "put me in my place" so to speak.  I am trying really hard to bite my tongue and not let him get me down...I constantly give myself little pep talks trying to convince myself that I am a smart woman who is very good at what she does and to not let him beat me down and think otherwise.  Sometimes I believe myself, sometimes I don't. All I can do is keep my head down and do what needs to be done and do it the best I can and hope that those who are higher up see that I DO know what I am doing. Another week here I come...I hope that I can keep it all together!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"Bad Attitude" Day

  Today was a "bad attitude" day at work! It seemed like no matter how I tried to look at the work I had to do...I didn't want to do it.  I love my job, don't get me wrong, but this week I have been working all by myself and today I just couldn't find anything I liked in what I was doing.  Which got me to many times in the last week have I had a bad attitude about my life outside of work.  I have to be honest, the answer shocked me.  I could not think of a single day in the last week that I have not had a bad attitude about some aspect in my life.  So, I have decided that I am going  to make a brief list of some of the things that are good...maybe even my life right now.
  I want to begin with my family. I have an AWESOME, strong, brave mother...she is my hero and I look up to her everyday.  She was the strength of our family when my dad passed away and even though I am sure she broke down when she was alone...she always put on a strong front for us.  She is my best friend and I feel I can talk to her about anything and I love having that kind of relationship with her.  I have two great brothers...both married which gives me two great sister in laws. My older brother has 5 wonderful children...they are my  little ones and I miss them everyday. They make me feel loved and wanted and they make me feel like a kid again. I love to hang out with them and go for 4-wheeler rides...and I cannot wait until christmas time when they come to visit from Iowa so that we can do just that again. My little brother and I have a special relationship...he is my rock. I look up to him because when my dad passed away he didn't hesitate to step up and fill the rather large shoes that my dad left behind.  He is smart and funny and I love just hanging out with him. he doesn't have any kids YET but his wife is cool and we have spent lots of time together. They too are coming here for christmas from Canada and I am excited. My little sister is my little sister. We don't always get along but I love her unconditionally and we have fun when we hang out...she is my friend and I just want her to be happy because she hasn't had many reasons to be for a long time now. I love her and she will always be a part of my life.
  Now for the best thing in my life right boyfriend! He is amazing, perfect, funny, sweet, loving, good looking, supportive, crazy, a perfect fit, my rock, and I love him with all my heart. Ever since he has come into my life he has helped me deal with my little stresses and he makes me feel loved and beautiful and he is what I need to make it through everyday! He gives me butterflies and he loves my family just as much as I do and that is important to me because my family is a huge part of my life and I want him to accept that and be a part of that and he does both. He is a perfect fit in my life and I honestly believe that he is my soul mate. I love to spend time with him and when I have to spend days without seeing him I feel empty and alone and I hate it.
  My job is another thing I have going for me in my life right now. In a time when jobs are few and very very far between...I am lucky to have my job. I always feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day and that makes me smile. Times have been slow and I have not been out on the road as much as last year which is hard for me...I love to travel, but like I least I have a job.
  My best friend, Jamie Warren, is another very important positive in my life. She may be shorter than me but I look up to her! She has been through so much and come out on top...she has been through things that I can't say for sure that I would have the courage to make it through. When I start to think that my life is hard and the trials I have are the worst ever...I think of Jamie and what she has gone through and the trials she has had to face and still faces today and how she still has a smile on her face...she is still happy and pushing ahead.  She is right beside my mother in the "Hero" department...she is an amazing, AWESOME person and I consider myself lucky to call her my Best Friend.  She has stuck beside me when I was sure that I had no one...she has been my friend through it all and I know that she will always be there for me and be my friend in the future through thick and thin. She makes me laugh and we always have a great time when we hang out.  There were several times that I thought I was losing her from my of them a permanent loss, but she is still there and I know in my heart she always will be. My hope is that I can be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me. I love her like a sister, like a best friend...I am thankful everyday that she is a part of my life. 
  My little miniature pinscher, Shawntae, is truly a joy in my life. She is little and sweet and she loves me and just seeing her run out and meet me eachday when I come home is truly a joy for me. I have always wanted a little dog that I could cuddle with and take for rides in my car but could never afford one. I lucked out with her though because her previous owner just couldn't take care of her anymore so I got her for free and I have never regretted it. She is a sweety and brings a smile to my face and I love her so very very  much.
  So there you go...a brief list of a few of the positives in my life. I have the everyday stress of money and bills and "to do" lists and sometimes they seem to be way more than I can handle. Sometimes I just want to lay down and scream at the top of my lungs that I give up...they win and even though there have been times when I have just sat down and cried...somehow they work themselves out and things are all good again.
  So, I am going to try and start each day thinking about the positives in my life so that I have a good attitude going into the day. Maybe that will help me make it through each day without having the "bad attitude"...maybe.

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