Friday, December 18, 2009

Clearly Now...

  I may have gotten lost for a little while in this black hole I call life, but I found my way out now and there is no other way for me to go but UP!!  I have been down and out and on the bottom end of everything for such a long period of time that I am not sure how to act or what to do now that things are starting to look up. I guess that all I can do is take each day, each moment, each event as it happens and see how it goes...could be good, could be bad, but one thing is for sure...(to quote a well known song)..."I can see clearly now the rain has gone, I can see all obstacles in my way, gone are the dark clouds that had me's gonna be a bright, bright sunshinin' day!" Bring on the sun...I have been in a cold dark horrible place for way too long and it is time for the sun to shine upon me.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Everyone look at me...I'M A STAR!!!

  I know it has been a while...I should be a professional juggler by now! Between my boyfriend, my job, my bills, and my family I feel like a star in a three ring circus.  Everyone look at me, I'm a fork over the $20 a ticket cuz I got bills to pay!!! LOL   
  My know I find that more often than not as of late I have to tell myself several times a day that I am AWESOME at what I do and I deserve to be working in this field and for this company.  I hate having to give myself a pep talk EVERY morning before I go to work just to make it through the first 5 hours. Why is it that no matter how hard I try to prove myself there is always a line of people just chomping at the bit to throw me under the put me down play the work I have done? I am really really good at what I do and I truly feel that I am better than 80% of the guys that work at that place. I just wish that I didn't have to force myself to get up for get ready for get in my car and GO TO WORK. That isn't how it should be, is it?
  Then there is this helpless feeling I have where my life is concerned!!!  I truly feel like I am strapped to the bumper of an out of control car and no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how hard I try to get control of gets worse and worse and I get in deeper and deeper. Why can't I get on top of my bills, of my debt, of my life? What do I have to do? I know I have hit bottom and I thought that the only way from there was UP but I am still sitting at the bottom looking up wondering when exactly that is going to happen. Oh if money only grew on life would be so much easier!!
  I need a change for the better and I need one soon before I lose it. My job is no longer enjoyable for me...I hate going to it everyday. My relationship is strained due to the fact that we never get to spend any time together because work for him comes first and work for him is not anywhere near me. My family is spread out all over the U.S. and Canada and I hate not having my brothers close to me to get that big brother (or big Little brother) hug that a sister needs sometimes. My bills are about to drown me and I could turn to the one person in my life that is capable of helping me but I cannot handle the lectures and I cannot handle being made to feel stupid for getting myself in so deep...I have done that enough to myself I do not need it from someone else.
  So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't know how to fix it all...I wish I had a magic lamp with a genie inside that would grant me 4 wishes instead of three so that I could prevent myself from being squished. Oh if only my wishes could come true!!

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