Monday, April 5, 2010

Is There Something Wrong With Me?!?!

  **Just a word of warning right from the start for anyone reading this (IF anyone truly does read this blog of mine) so you can decide if you would rather not continue reading...this one is going to be a rambler, maybe even a little off the wall.**

  I am scared!! I am too comfortable with the way my life has been for a long time now and I am scared to have it change. I am perfectly happy living in my mom's home in my own room that is 100% mine, I am perfectly happy sleeping in the bed that I got to pick out that feels like a soft wonderful enveloping cloud everytime I lay down on it to sleep. I am happy sitting with my mom watching TV or sitting in the hot tub or wandering around outside. I am happy...I am content and I feel safe. BUT, I know that if I want my happily ever after with the man that I love more than I ever thought was possible, I am going to have to give it all up and make a life somewhere new, somewhere not in the house that my daddy built and that completely SCARES me! Don't get me wrong, I want to be a wife and make a house a home with my husband and make that home warm and comforting and inviting, but the thought of leaving all that I am comfortable and happy with behind forever (with the exception of visits) makes me so scared I begin to distance myself.  I can't give you just one reason...there are several.  For instance, I do not want to abandon my mom and leave her here in this big house all alone, I don't want to leave my room and all the memories I have in it behind, I don't want to move out of the home that my dad built for us, I don't want to take all of my things away because it will make my mom sad, I don't want to uproot my little princess (my little miniature doberman) and move her far away from her friends (my little sis's dog and the big ole lazy family dog)...the list goes on and on and on. However, I do not want to end my fairy tale with my perfect man, I do not want to break it off with him just to stay here...I am torn two ways and I just feel so dumb that I am so this normal?

  I am sad!!  I got laid off from a job where I always came home upset and sad and angry. A job where I had to monitor my every move, action, word, breath just to make sure that nothing could be read into it or taken the wrong way. A job where everyday a new HORRIBLE rumor starring me would pop up...without fail, even if I had been gone on vacation for a week. A job where I was the minority and it was thrown in my face and held against me every chance it could be. A job that I no longer loved going to.   I was laid off from this gosh awful job...and it makes me SAD! Why?! Why am I sad that I no longer have this job? I should be totally grateful and happy that I no longer have all the stress it brought into my life but I am not...I am sad.  The only thing I can think of as to why is because I did learn something new and exciting at this job (how to weld...and I am great at it) and I got to go to places I never thought I would and see things I never thought I would ever see...I got to travel all over the country and make totally awesome memories. I should be happy but I am not...why?

  There are so many other things that I could ramble on and on about but those are the two main things that are consuming me right now. I just needed to get them off my chest...I needed to talk about them. Sorry my posts aren't profound or have some deep meaning or lesson...sorry if they bore any of you. But thank you none the less for taking the time to read them. Thank you  for letting me ramble...Thank you for any input or insight you might have for me...THANK YOU!


Jamie said...

Sometimes it would be nice to have a 'LIFE GPS' that can tell us where to go and where to turn to guarantee we will arrive in the right place in our life. . . You know me and to this post I am compelled to just say one word, PRAYER :) We don't have to make these life decisions on our own. He is always there to talk to and get inspiration and direction from. LOVE YOU~ hope you figure all this stuff out and find happiness :)

angela said...

My dearest Danielle, you are totally NORMAL! I completely understand your fears of leaving you past behind. My mother died and we hung on to every part of her we could. A very big part of that was my childhood home. She and my dad bought that home together and raised me and my sister there. She died in that house. My dad lost the house in a bankruptsy and it was so hard to walk away from. It was all of my memories good and bad. I felt that leaving the house was like leaving my mother, or what we had left of her anyway. Her rosebushes in the back yard, the peopnies in the front yard. Even the ugly curtains that she was so proud of. As much as it was hurting me to leave it, it was healing my dad. Once he was out of that house he gained a new perspective on life. He didn't realize how much pain was connected with that place. It is strange to admit, but my dad losing that house was the best thing that ever could have happened to him.
As far as your job goes, you feel rejection. I lost a job that I didn't really love either. BUT i was good at it and i liked the people i worked with and i worked hard to get to the level that I was on. Rejection is hard to swallow no matter what it is coated in.
I think that you have reached the crossroads of your life. You cant be afraid to live your life, get out there and the new surroundings will help you gain a new perspective too. I have learned to welcome change and even look forward to it. After all the only thing in this world that is certain is change.

Hanging out with the Riley's said...

hay boog you have a blog and I just found it!!! Happy day for I read this entry and I will tell you that you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. Sometimes the only way to grow is to be in motion. I can understand feeling scared for everyone you are such a care taker for everyone around you. I love you.

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