Wednesday, August 11, 2010

At A Loss and Needing Some Sleep

  I have been tossing and turning in my bed for the last hour and a half now...praying, hoping, begging for sleep to come, but to no avail.
 
  I would love to say that I have no idea why sleep is evading me, but unfortunately I cannot...I do know why and I figured that maybe if I write it down and get it out of my head I can sleep.
 
  I am stuck on it and no matter what I do I just can't get over it. I wish I had an excuse...like...medication I am on or some short circuit in my head...what I wouldn't give to be able to blame it on something like that! However, it isn't for any of those reasons...it is simply because it is who it is that has caused it.
 
  What do you do when someone you looked up too, someone you were always close to uses words and LIES to rip out your heart and shatter your world? 
 
  HOW DO YOU GET OVER THAT? 

  I have tried...believe me when I say that I HAVE tried...but no matter what I do I just can't put the lies out of my mind. I find myself dwelling and crying over them. How could this person believe such horrible things...how could this person believe I would do the horrible and totally awful things they believe in their mind that I have done? 

  HOW DO I JUST LET IT GO AND MOVE ON?

  And how am I supposed to want to have anything to do with this person after what I have discovered? How do I look this person in the eyes after this...how do I say "I love you" and MEAN it? How do I become the bigger person and rise above it? Is it enough that I know the truth and that in my heart, mind, body, and soul I know that I can stand before the one and only person who is to judge me and say without hesitation that they ARE lies? That I would never EVER do the things this person says I have done?

  IS THAT TRULY ENOUGH?

  I am just so lost right now. I am sad and hurt and angry and just plain and simply dumbfounded right now! The worst part is that I am NOT supposed to know that this person feels and believes these lies...I was NOT supposed to find out, but I did. And now I am supposed to carry on as if I don't know and I just honestly do not think I have it in me to do so. Does that make me this horrible monster that I was made out to be?

  DOES IT?

  Where is my magic wand when I need it? Why can't there be such a thing as a magic wand so that I can just erase it all from my mind? What I wouldn't give if fairy tales could come true...if EVERYTHING really could end up "Happily Ever After"!!

  Maybe I can sleep now...maybe I can snuggle up next to my sweet little angel, Shawntae, and feel the love she has for me emminate from her. Maybe I can let that love she has for me seep into my heart, body, mind, and soul and FINALLY get some sleep.

  MAYBE...

                      Shawntae

 

3 comments:

Jamie said...

Sounds like things are pretty rough for you right now. . . . ya know Danie I have heard about some people who said some pretty judgmental and misinformed things about my transplant and choices we HAD to make. In reality, no one really knows why we do things. No one really knows the whole truth. Most of the time that is between you and GOD.

Gossip can be hurtful. People do and say things that are mean and untrue. But in reality, we know who we are. If someone can't love you despite hearing gossip then they probably never really loved you. I am sure there are aspects of your life choices that I would not approve of. . .but It would never make me love you any less. That's what true friends are.

I guess I am hoping it is not me that this post is about. .. .although if by chance it is, I love Danie for who Danie is.

lo vaquero said...

Hello sister-mine. You should check/answer your email...

I am sorry to hear that someone has not lived up to your expectations. That is never pleasant. Especially if it is someone like, say, a family member...

I can tell you from experience that keeping you thoughts bottled up inside is NOT the way to go. If you truly feel that this person has wronged you, you need to address it with them. It is never easy, but trust me - it is better to go through the discomfort of discussing unpleasnt things sooner, rather than later.

Perhaps there are very valid reasons this person believes what they do? Perhaps this person has no intention of hurting you, but the way by which you found out information it makes the situation appear different than it really is? Perhaps to this person all of it is truth (what you consider lies) because of how events occured?

My point is that there are always two sides to a coin (and multiple sides to a cube), and only seeing your side can skew perception just as badly as the other person who may only see their side. You really should communicate with this person. Otherwise you will end up like our mother and grandmother - unhappy about life and somewhat bitter over the situation. That is how molehills become mountains and how people miss forests for trees (or a single tree).

Now, if this person is me...well...my apologies for hurting you. My intent is not to intentionally cause hurt. Either way, my advice above still stands. It is possible that you've happened across infomation - accidentally or intentionally - that wasn't ever meant for you. That happens. It has to be expected.

Just know that I DO love you. Just like I still love mom as much as I ever have...

Rod

Anonymous said...

Hey lady, I just checked this, sorry I don't check this more often. I can only guess at who this person is that hurt you. I want to be there for you, just let me know what is going on. I will make time in my life for you, you don't have to be alone. I have always had a place in my heart for you and I am close enough to hold your hand, if that is what you need. Please call me 223-3711 I want to get together with you~
Annie

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