Who ever thought that one simple event could be both a great thing and a bad thing at the very same time?! Today I had the joy of experiencing such an event. I got to work this morning just to be told by the "real piece of work" that I have been working with (*said with thick thick sarcasm) that I am to go talk to our supervisor. I asked him why and he says to me that he has no idea why just that he got yelled at for an hour yesterday about me and my work performance and that I am being taken off of the job and put on another. So, with my heart on the floor and my guts all in knots I head over to talk to the man in charge and I am a WRECK! Well, to make a long story short, I find out that YES I am being taken off of the job I have been on all year and am being put on a new job. However, I also found out that the reason for this is because that real gem of a jerk that I was working with had been over everyday for the last 2 weeks complaining about me and how I don't do what I am told and blah, blah, BLAH! Now I am getting really upset and angry and because I am just a big baby, I start to cry. It is explained to me that I am not in any trouble what so ever and that the things he complained about went in one ear and out the other because of who it was saying them. I was relieved to hear that our boss is still very pleased with what I do and that he just felt it would be best for me (and for his ears) if I just got off that job and go onto another. So, the great thing about this whole situation is that I am no longer working with the guy that has it out for me...YEA!!! The bad thing is that I am now feeling like I didn't follow through with this job to the end and finish it like I wanted to. Why is it that I can't just be totally relieved with the fact that I no longer have to worry about my every action being taken wrong and I no longer have to worry about being put down and told everyday just how horrible the work I do is? I am relieved, but there is also that part of me that just feels like I let myself down by not seeing this job through to the end. Maybe I am too hard on myself...maybe I am a let down...a failure...maybe I am not! I just wish that I could "get happy" about this.
On another note, what do you do when you no longer look forward to going to work everyday? When you struggle just to make yourself get up and go to work when all you really want to do is call in sick? What do you do when your self esteem and confidence have been completely shattered by your job and no matter how much you do or how good you do it...you are beat down and told you just aren't good enough? Do I tough it out and just deal with the put downs and the self esteem and confidence beatings? Or do I face my fear of change and get a different job where I am not put down and can start to rebuild what little confidence I once had? I am at a total loss because I DO love what I do (the welding and fabricating) but at the same time I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night and feeling like me and my best is not and never will be good enough for anyone at that company. I hate feeling like I feel...I hate feeling like a complete let down. Why can't I find the answers myself...where is the confidence I need to make these decisions? Any advice would be welcome...any suggestions would be appreciated. I am lost and trying to find my way, hopefully someday soon I will be found.
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2 comments:
I think you are going through what we all do everyday. I think Life is a contant search for daily happiness, for the feeling of accomplishment, for the ability to have full confidence in ourselves. I am not sure if we ever feel "good enough" because we are too hard on ourselves. WE hold ourselves back form realizing how great we truly are. I am guilty of it every day. I can't even bring myself to feel like I deserve to be a part of Jester'z . . .even though I know it's very exclusive and privileged. Sounds crazy? It's true. If everyone in the audience give me a standing ovation and sent me fan letters, I still wouldn't allow myself to believe it. That's something we allow ourselves to believe. We sabotage our own success most of the time. You are good at what you do or you wouldn't be doing it and have been doing it for so long. . .but until you truly believe it yourself, you will feel this way. Perhaps it is like they said at Improv practice this week. . . "get an ego". . . know you are good and you will build up yourself and others. Not egotistical. . .just know your good & believe it when you say it.
People like the "jerk" you worked with are egotistical and in reality probably extremely unhappy with his life and to overcompensate for a lack of self esteem, he puts others down around him to 'make himself look better'. However it just makes him look like the jerk. He is a joke and he is a fraud. If he was "good" then he would want to help others on his team become their best. . . that's the difference.
I believe in you, I think it's amazing that you decided to learn to weld and fabricate and you are working in a "man's line of work" and it's tough, but YOU did it! You accomplished what you set out to do . . that is success, skill and dedication~ be proud of that. You deserve to be welding, just as I deserve to be on Jester'z!
"What other people say about you has a lot more to do with them than you." I read this in a novel and have found it to be accurate. Hopefully, this brings you some peace. See you in a few weeks.
-Sharon
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