Clearly Now...

  I may have gotten lost for a little while in this black hole I call life, but I found my way out now and there is no other way for me to go but UP!!  I have been down and out and on the bottom end of everything for such a long period of time that I am not sure how to act or what to do now that things are starting to look up. I guess that all I can do is take each day, each moment, each event as it happens and see how it goes...could be good, could be bad, but one thing is for sure...(to quote a well known song)..."I can see clearly now the rain has gone, I can see all obstacles in my way, gone are the dark clouds that had me blind...it's gonna be a bright, bright sunshinin' day!" Bring on the sun...I have been in a cold dark horrible place for way too long and it is time for the sun to shine upon me.

Everyone look at me...I'M A STAR!!!

  I know it has been a while...I should be a professional juggler by now! Between my boyfriend, my job, my bills, and my family I feel like a star in a three ring circus.  Everyone look at me, I'm a star...now fork over the $20 a ticket cuz I got bills to pay!!! LOL   
  My job...you know I find that more often than not as of late I have to tell myself several times a day that I am AWESOME at what I do and I deserve to be working in this field and for this company.  I hate having to give myself a pep talk EVERY morning before I go to work just to make it through the first 5 hours. Why is it that no matter how hard I try to prove myself there is always a line of people just chomping at the bit to throw me under the bus...to put me down...to down play the work I have done? I am really really good at what I do and I truly feel that I am better than 80% of the guys that work at that place. I just wish that I didn't have to force myself to get up for work...to get ready for work...to get in my car and GO TO WORK. That isn't how it should be, is it?
  Then there is this helpless feeling I have where my life is concerned!!!  I truly feel like I am strapped to the bumper of an out of control car and no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how hard I try to get control of it...it gets worse and worse and I get in deeper and deeper. Why can't I get on top of my bills, of my debt, of my life? What do I have to do? I know I have hit bottom and I thought that the only way from there was UP but I am still sitting at the bottom looking up wondering when exactly that is going to happen. Oh if money only grew on trees...my life would be so much easier!!
  I need a change for the better and I need one soon before I lose it. My job is no longer enjoyable for me...I hate going to it everyday. My relationship is strained due to the fact that we never get to spend any time together because work for him comes first and work for him is not anywhere near me. My family is spread out all over the U.S. and Canada and I hate not having my brothers close to me to get that big brother (or big Little brother) hug that a sister needs sometimes. My bills are about to drown me and I could turn to the one person in my life that is capable of helping me but I cannot handle the lectures and I cannot handle being made to feel stupid for getting myself in so deep...I have done that enough to myself I do not need it from someone else.
  So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't know how to fix it all...I wish I had a magic lamp with a genie inside that would grant me 4 wishes instead of three so that I could prevent myself from being squished. Oh if only my wishes could come true!!

One event...TWO Conflicting Feelings

  Who ever thought that one simple event could be both a great thing and a bad thing at the very same time?! Today I had the joy of experiencing such an event. I got to work this morning just to be told by the "real piece of work" that I have been working with (*said with thick thick sarcasm) that I am to go talk to our supervisor. I asked him why and he says to me that he has no idea why just that he got yelled at for an hour yesterday about me and my work performance and that I am being taken off of the job and put on another. So, with my heart on the floor and my guts all in knots I head over to talk to the man in charge and I am a WRECK! Well, to make a long story short, I find out that YES I am being taken off of the job I have been on all year and am being put on a new job. However, I also found out that the reason for this is because that real gem of a jerk that I was working with had been over everyday for the last 2 weeks complaining about me and how I don't do what I am told and blah, blah, BLAH! Now I am getting really upset and angry and because I am just a big baby, I start to cry. It is explained to me that I am not in any trouble what so ever and that the things he complained about went in one ear and out the other because of who it was saying them. I was relieved to hear that our boss is still very pleased with what I do and that he just felt it would be best for me (and for his ears) if I just got off that job and go onto another. So, the great thing about this whole situation is that I am no longer working with the guy that has it out for me...YEA!!! The bad thing is that I am now feeling like I didn't follow through with this job to the end and finish it like I wanted to. Why is it that I can't just be totally relieved with the fact that I no longer have to worry about my every action being taken wrong and I no longer have to worry about being put down and told everyday just how horrible the work I do is? I am relieved, but there is also that part of me that just feels like I let myself down by not seeing this job through to the end. Maybe I am too hard on myself...maybe I am a let down...a failure...maybe I am not! I just wish that I could "get happy" about this.
  On another note, what do you do when you no longer look forward to going to work everyday? When you struggle just to make yourself get up and go to work when all you really want to do is call in sick? What do you do when your self esteem and confidence have been completely shattered by your job and no matter how much you do or how good you do it...you are beat down and told you just aren't good enough? Do I tough it out and just deal with the put downs and the self esteem and confidence beatings? Or do I face my fear of change and get a different job where I am not put down and can start to rebuild what little confidence I once had? I am at a total loss because I DO love what I do (the welding and fabricating) but at the same time I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night and feeling like me and my best is not and never will be good enough for anyone at that company.  I hate feeling like I feel...I hate feeling like a complete let down. Why can't I find the answers myself...where is the confidence I need to make these decisions? Any advice would be welcome...any suggestions would be appreciated. I am lost and trying to find my way, hopefully someday soon I will be found.

Break Me Down...

"...And I should've been down when you made me insecure...
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye
...'cause I'm so much more than all your lies" ("Breakdown"; Seether)

  It seems that no matter what you do in life there will always be those people who break you down and make you doubt yourself...seems I am destined to work with someone like that for the next long while...LUCKY me, I guess.  I suppose that this just means that now I have a great opportunity to work on patience, biting my tongue, smiling no matter what, and taking it all with a grain of salt.  Lets just hope that I excel instead of fail.
  On another note...I find myself wondering why I am even doing this whole blog thing. I mean it is nice to have a place to vent and say what is on my mind, but I don't think anyone beyond my sis and my best friend even read what I write...let alone visit. Which begs the question...is it really that important to me to have other people read what I write? Who knows, I guess that it would just be nice to hear other peoples opinions on something I wrote, or to receive advice on how to handle a particular situation. I suppose that I will just keep throwing it out there that I have this blog and see what happens...who knows, I might just get what I want (whatever that may be)!!

Never Before

  There has never been anyone outside my family that has made me feel so special and so important and loved as my boyfriend did tonight.  You see, he wanted me to go see him last night and due to circumstances that are beyond my control I was unable to. I was upset about it and so was he because we knew that it would be another week before we would have the chance to see eachother again. I have been bummed out all day because I just really needed to see him and I knew I was not going to. Well, we had been texting all day about what we were doing and how much we missed eachother and I was sad and lonely. While I was sitting in my room, I heard my little sister tell someone very loudly to "Go Away" and so I stepped out to see what was going on and guess who it happened to be?! You got it, it was my man...he had tricked me into thinking he was still far away and the whole time he was on his way to surprise me. I feel so loved and special and I am waiting to wake up at any moment to find that it was all just a dream!!  I love that he loves me that much that he would want to surprise me like he did. I realize that you are all probably sick of hearing about him, but I have never been in love like this before and I have to share it with someone...anyone or I will burst!!
  On a different note, another week of work is ahead of me and I have mixed feelings about it. Again I love what I do but sometimes we have to work with people we do not particularly like or get along with. I am in that situation right now...the guy they have put over me as my new job lead is someone that I have a really hard time dealing with.  He continually talks down to me and makes me feel like I am dumb in his eyes and although part of me says that it is just his personality and he does it to everyone, the other rather larger part of me says that he does it on purpose to intimidate and "put me in my place" so to speak.  I am trying really hard to bite my tongue and not let him get me down...I constantly give myself little pep talks trying to convince myself that I am a smart woman who is very good at what she does and to not let him beat me down and think otherwise.  Sometimes I believe myself, sometimes I don't. All I can do is keep my head down and do what needs to be done and do it the best I can and hope that those who are higher up see that I DO know what I am doing. Another week here I come...I hope that I can keep it all together!!!

"Bad Attitude" Day

  Today was a "bad attitude" day at work! It seemed like no matter how I tried to look at the work I had to do...I didn't want to do it.  I love my job, don't get me wrong, but this week I have been working all by myself and today I just couldn't find anything I liked in what I was doing.  Which got me to thinking...how many times in the last week have I had a bad attitude about my life outside of work.  I have to be honest, the answer shocked me.  I could not think of a single day in the last week that I have not had a bad attitude about some aspect in my life.  So, I have decided that I am going  to make a brief list of some of the things that are good...maybe even GREAT...in my life right now.
  I want to begin with my family. I have an AWESOME, strong, brave mother...she is my hero and I look up to her everyday.  She was the strength of our family when my dad passed away and even though I am sure she broke down when she was alone...she always put on a strong front for us.  She is my best friend and I feel I can talk to her about anything and I love having that kind of relationship with her.  I have two great brothers...both married which gives me two great sister in laws. My older brother has 5 wonderful children...they are my  little ones and I miss them everyday. They make me feel loved and wanted and they make me feel like a kid again. I love to hang out with them and go for 4-wheeler rides...and I cannot wait until christmas time when they come to visit from Iowa so that we can do just that again. My little brother and I have a special relationship...he is my rock. I look up to him because when my dad passed away he didn't hesitate to step up and fill the rather large shoes that my dad left behind.  He is smart and funny and I love just hanging out with him. he doesn't have any kids YET but his wife is cool and we have spent lots of time together. They too are coming here for christmas from Canada and I am excited. My little sister is my little sister. We don't always get along but I love her unconditionally and we have fun when we hang out...she is my friend and I just want her to be happy because she hasn't had many reasons to be for a long time now. I love her and she will always be a part of my life.
  Now for the best thing in my life right now...my boyfriend! He is amazing, perfect, funny, sweet, loving, good looking, supportive, crazy, a perfect fit, my rock, and I love him with all my heart. Ever since he has come into my life he has helped me deal with my little stresses and he makes me feel loved and beautiful and he is what I need to make it through everyday! He gives me butterflies and he loves my family just as much as I do and that is important to me because my family is a huge part of my life and I want him to accept that and be a part of that and he does both. He is a perfect fit in my life and I honestly believe that he is my soul mate. I love to spend time with him and when I have to spend days without seeing him I feel empty and alone and I hate it.
  My job is another thing I have going for me in my life right now. In a time when jobs are few and very very far between...I am lucky to have my job. I always feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day and that makes me smile. Times have been slow and I have not been out on the road as much as last year which is hard for me...I love to travel, but like I said...at least I have a job.
  My best friend, Jamie Warren, is another very important positive in my life. She may be shorter than me but I look up to her! She has been through so much and come out on top...she has been through things that I can't say for sure that I would have the courage to make it through. When I start to think that my life is hard and the trials I have are the worst ever...I think of Jamie and what she has gone through and the trials she has had to face and still faces today and how she still has a smile on her face...she is still happy and pushing ahead.  She is right beside my mother in the "Hero" department...she is an amazing, AWESOME person and I consider myself lucky to call her my Best Friend.  She has stuck beside me when I was sure that I had no one...she has been my friend through it all and I know that she will always be there for me and be my friend in the future through thick and thin. She makes me laugh and we always have a great time when we hang out.  There were several times that I thought I was losing her from my life...one of them a permanent loss, but she is still there and I know in my heart she always will be. My hope is that I can be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me. I love her like a sister, like a best friend...I am thankful everyday that she is a part of my life. 
  My little miniature pinscher, Shawntae, is truly a joy in my life. She is little and sweet and she loves me and just seeing her run out and meet me eachday when I come home is truly a joy for me. I have always wanted a little dog that I could cuddle with and take for rides in my car but could never afford one. I lucked out with her though because her previous owner just couldn't take care of her anymore so I got her for free and I have never regretted it. She is a sweety and brings a smile to my face and I love her so very very  much.
  So there you go...a brief list of a few of the positives in my life. I have the everyday stress of money and bills and "to do" lists and sometimes they seem to be way more than I can handle. Sometimes I just want to lay down and scream at the top of my lungs that I give up...they win and even though there have been times when I have just sat down and cried...somehow they work themselves out and things are all good again.
  So, I am going to try and start each day thinking about the positives in my life so that I have a good attitude going into the day. Maybe that will help me make it through each day without having the "bad attitude"...maybe.

ABC's of ME

I saw this on Jamie's blog and I had to copy it and put it on mine.  I think it is adorable!!

A- Age: 30

B- Bed Size: Double

C- Chore you hate: DISHES (and cleaning my room are neck and neck)

D- Dog's name: Shawntae

E- Essential start your day item: BATHROOM

F- Favorite color: Green (all shades)

G- Gold or silver: Silver most definitely

H- Height: 5' 3 1/2" (dont forget the half) lol

I- I am: Missing my man

J- Job: Welder

K- Kids: zero, zip, zilch

L- Living arrangement: Well, I live in my mother's basement...free rent is good!!

M- Mom's name: Susan

N- Nicknames: Danie, Princess, Angel, Love, Brat, Beavis

O- Overnight stay at hospital other than birth: Had to have a tumor the size of a tennis ball removed from my throat

P- Pet peeve: GOSSIP (and lying, and back stabbing, and story telling)

Q- Quote from a movie: "I think I just swallowed a bug." (Overboard)

R- Right or left handed: Right

S- Siblings: 1 older brother, 1 younger brother, 1 younger sister

T- Time you wake up: Mon - Thurs 6am ; Fri - Sun Whenever I wake up

U- Underwear: Thong, th , th, th, thong!!

V- Vegetable you dislike: MUSHROOMS

W- Ways you run late: I just get to dinking off and lose track of time

X- X-rays: Yes...several for broken fingers and then for the tumor I had in my throat on my thyroid

Y- Yummy food you make: Microwave Caramel Popcorn

Z- Zoo favorite: Ummmm I would have to go with Monkeys, Lions, Giraffes, Elephants

The "Keep Danielle Up ALL Night" list

  There are so many random thoughts running through my head right now...I feel like I can make sense of some and others are just there to plague me and keep my mind spinning so that I cannot go to sleep.  Thoughts like, I love my job...I love what I do...but I feel like no matter how hard I try to prove that I am not just some dumb girl trying to do what is classified as a man's job, it is never enough...it is no where close to good enough for everyone else.  I spend the whole year working on the things that I was asked to work on and then it comes time to get evaluated again and it is all about working on the same stuff and I have to bite my tongue and keep from getting upset.  And you know how it is said that WOMEN are the ones that are gossip mongers? Well, I have news for anyone who thinks that way...come work at my job for a week and you will come to learn that MEN are actually the worst at gossip. Without fail I get a laugh everyday because of some gossip...some sort of rumor...that is being spread like wildfire and it is being embelished on even faster than it spreads. The worst though is being a minority in my line of work, and by minority I mean being a girl. I could be gone from work sick for a week and by the time I got back there would be some new story involving me going around and I have to tell you that it is very frustrating because even though they aren't true, even though there is no solid proof to back the rumor up, it is believed by any and all who hear it...INCLUDING the people higher up in the company. I mean don't people have better things to do with their time than worry about me and what I do or do not do? I guess not.  Oh well though, I have become very tough skinned and 99% of the time I just have to laugh because there is no point in adding to their stories by getting upset.  All that matters is that I love my job, I love what I do, and I put all I have to give into it each and every day. When I go home at the end of the day I am happy with me because I gave it my all and I gave it my best.
 Thoughts of my boyfriend rank right up there at the top of the "Keep Danielle Up ALL Night" list. I am in love with my boyfriend and not only am I in love with him...I am in love with being in love with him.  I never thought that I would be so lucky to have the kind of love I have always dreamed about having, but I have it and it is even better than I dreamed it would be. He is everything to me and he makes me feel so beautiful and loved and cared about and important and happy and WANTED. From day one he  gave me butterflies in my stomach and even now after being together for so long...I still get them. He is so perfect for me...for example, he is content just sitting on the couch playing with my hair or holding my hand or cuddling and I am in seventh heaven doing just that with him.  We don't have to go out all the time and he doesn't have to buy me things or always be doing something...we are happy and comfortable and simply perfect just being together.  The thing that gets me though is how much it hurts just being away from him for a couple days. I ache for his arms around me and I yearn for the sight of him when we are apart and I never thought that I would love someone that much. He fits in so well with my family and he treats my mom so well and that is very VERY important to me because since my dad passed away she is all I got...she is my best friend and it is important that he treats her so good. I could go on and on and on but I don't want to make anyone sick with my love talk so I will just leave it at this...I used to be able to picture my life alone and just me but ever since he has come into my life I can't even pretend to imagine my life...my future...without him in it. I am in love with him and he is in love with me and that is the most important thing.
  Making ends meet from paycheck to paycheck is one of those constant on going thoughts in my head that keeps me up most nights. But I can only do what I can do and if it isn't enough then I only have myself to blame and so there is no use taking it out on other people...I will weather this storm like I have others and eventually I will come out on top.
  So, there are just a few of the thoughts running through my mind tonight.  There are many many more but I don't want to bore everyone to tears...assuming anyone but my best friend, Jamie, reads this. I suppose that I will try to coax my brain into shutting down for the night so that I can at least get a couple hours of sleep before I have to get up for work...hopefully I win that battle tonight...hopefully.

NEWBIE at this

So, I guess I will just get this out in the open...I am totally new at this, but I figure I might as well give it a shot!! I will add more to this a little later but I just want to say, please bear with me and any comments or suggestions would be great!!